I have another blog that I've had for a couple of years that is private. Last Thursday I posted the following on that blog. I was nervous at first how my thoughts might come out, but I think I'm okay now posting my thoughts and feelings to the "public." This was written one week after our Emma left us.
"The boys are asleep in bed, Emma is in Heaven, and Tim is at a basketball game. I'm finally taking some time to think and write out various thoughts. I've been writing a lot on Emma's blog lately and not much on this blog. I originally started Emma's blog so that I could keep family and friends updated on what was going on. Also, because of how devastating the diagnosis was, I felt like I needed somewhere else to talk about Emma. I felt guilty at first having anything happy on this blog that might follow any news/thoughts/updates on Emma. I now feel differently, but I already have the other blog for Emma and I know that people beyond my knowledge read that blog, so I don't want to stop doing it. In fact, on January 15th Emma's blog was visited over 800 times. Wow. There is strength in numbers. And yet, despite the numbers, our prayers were not answered the way we desired.
I've thought a lot on that since Emma's passing. I knew I didn't have enough faith. I gave it my all, I really did, but I still felt like I fell short. But I knew that the combined faith of everyone was enough. My amazing young women even got together on their own and were all fasting for Emma and me. So why weren't our prayers answered? Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt. The fact that I didn't get what I wanted is not shaking my faith. I just honestly want to know why we weren't granted the miracle we desired. I know Heavenly Father could have done it. As usual, I don't think this is coming out like I want it to, but oh well.
After Emma died during labor, I had a whirlwind of thoughts. But right now two are coming to my mind. First of all, I thought of everyone who had been praying and fasting for us. And I thought of all those people who's prayers were not being answered the way they desired. Second, I thought about the fact that her dying inside of me just made this trial ten times harder. At least in my opinion. But maybe Heavenly Father knows me better than I do. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to watch my child die with my own eyes. Who knows. But I've wondered why things had to get harder.
And now my random musings move on. My labor with Emma was miserable. I was in labor for 24 hours and it hurt pretty soon after the start. I was given cytotech to ripen my cervix. Apparently (I didn't know this until in the moment), cytotech can cause constant cramping as it ripens your cervix. And cause it did. And the biggest pain was that there was no relief to it. As soon as Emma passed, I wanted out of that hospital. I was done being miserable, I was done hurting and I just wanted to go home and be with Tim, Peter, Benjamin, and Emma (still inside of me). Unfortunately, it wouldn't have worked out that way. Emma passed away 11 hours in to the labor and so I still had 13 hours to go after she passed. Several times I had feelings of "what's the point?" It was hard both physically and emotionally.
Spiritually? This really hasn't been that much of a struggle for me spiritually. I know this is Heavenly Father's plan. I know that this will make me stronger (yet I think that will take some time to actually come true). I know that families are forever. I know that I have a Savior there for me. And really, as much as I wanted our miracle to be a living and breathing Emma, I know that the miracle is the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the opportunity to be sealed to our families forever.
Tim is amazing. He's not perfect and I'm even further away from perfection than he is, but he's perfect for me and I'm so glad that I've not been alone through this trial. I'm grateful that we've gone through this together. He is wonderful.
And my final musing for the evening? This has been the hardest thing I have gone through in my life thus far and I pray that others don't have to go through similar trials. Yet, I wouldn't change it for the world. Emma has become such a part of me and our family and she has taught me so much and I have learned and grown so much from her and everything else. I love her."