Sunday, January 25, 2009

My Musings

I have another blog that I've had for a couple of years that is private. Last Thursday I posted the following on that blog. I was nervous at first how my thoughts might come out, but I think I'm okay now posting my thoughts and feelings to the "public." This was written one week after our Emma left us.

"The boys are asleep in bed, Emma is in Heaven, and Tim is at a basketball game. I'm finally taking some time to think and write out various thoughts. I've been writing a lot on Emma's blog lately and not much on this blog. I originally started Emma's blog so that I could keep family and friends updated on what was going on. Also, because of how devastating the diagnosis was, I felt like I needed somewhere else to talk about Emma. I felt guilty at first having anything happy on this blog that might follow any news/thoughts/updates on Emma. I now feel differently, but I already have the other blog for Emma and I know that people beyond my knowledge read that blog, so I don't want to stop doing it. In fact, on January 15th Emma's blog was visited over 800 times. Wow. There is strength in numbers. And yet, despite the numbers, our prayers were not answered the way we desired.

I've thought a lot on that since Emma's passing. I knew I didn't have enough faith. I gave it my all, I really did, but I still felt like I fell short. But I knew that the combined faith of everyone was enough. My amazing young women even got together on their own and were all fasting for Emma and me. So why weren't our prayers answered? Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt. The fact that I didn't get what I wanted is not shaking my faith. I just honestly want to know why we weren't granted the miracle we desired. I know Heavenly Father could have done it. As usual, I don't think this is coming out like I want it to, but oh well.

After Emma died during labor, I had a whirlwind of thoughts. But right now two are coming to my mind. First of all, I thought of everyone who had been praying and fasting for us. And I thought of all those people who's prayers were not being answered the way they desired. Second, I thought about the fact that her dying inside of me just made this trial ten times harder. At least in my opinion. But maybe Heavenly Father knows me better than I do. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to watch my child die with my own eyes. Who knows. But I've wondered why things had to get harder.

And now my random musings move on. My labor with Emma was miserable. I was in labor for 24 hours and it hurt pretty soon after the start. I was given cytotech to ripen my cervix. Apparently (I didn't know this until in the moment), cytotech can cause constant cramping as it ripens your cervix. And cause it did. And the biggest pain was that there was no relief to it. As soon as Emma passed, I wanted out of that hospital. I was done being miserable, I was done hurting and I just wanted to go home and be with Tim, Peter, Benjamin, and Emma (still inside of me). Unfortunately, it wouldn't have worked out that way. Emma passed away 11 hours in to the labor and so I still had 13 hours to go after she passed. Several times I had feelings of "what's the point?" It was hard both physically and emotionally.

Spiritually? This really hasn't been that much of a struggle for me spiritually. I know this is Heavenly Father's plan. I know that this will make me stronger (yet I think that will take some time to actually come true). I know that families are forever. I know that I have a Savior there for me. And really, as much as I wanted our miracle to be a living and breathing Emma, I know that the miracle is the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the opportunity to be sealed to our families forever.

Tim is amazing. He's not perfect and I'm even further away from perfection than he is, but he's perfect for me and I'm so glad that I've not been alone through this trial. I'm grateful that we've gone through this together. He is wonderful.

And my final musing for the evening? This has been the hardest thing I have gone through in my life thus far and I pray that others don't have to go through similar trials. Yet, I wouldn't change it for the world. Emma has become such a part of me and our family and she has taught me so much and I have learned and grown so much from her and everything else. I love her."


romanmegga said...

I know that having a miscarriage cannot even kindof begin to be as hard as what you are going through, however for me it was very hard. I had three healthy children and didnt expect different-it rocked me to the core I prayed and prayed that God would restore the baby or that there would be some miracle. It didnt happen. I remember hearing a song(you should listen to) by Jeremy Camp (a christian singer)called walk by faith-he wrote it when his newlywed wife and high school sweetheart passed from cancer- anyway it got me thinking and was a help for me... since that hard trial I have had two more healthy children and am so blessed.-I am reminded constantly not to take them for granted by reading your story daily-I pray that you would be comforted more than you can understand and that your faith would grow and endure. Nothing you did or didnt do and nothing you prayed or didnt pray could change or pursuade God to change the outcome in your situation, dont EVER let the enemy tell you otherwise,God has perfect plans for you and for Emma-he loves her even more than you and will take great care of her. I know this is easy for me to say in my shoes and not yours but I believe GOd speaks through others and I know he wants you to know that HE knows why this is the way it is and that HE still is in control. GOd bless you, I am so encouraged by your faith and so inspired to not take my five for granted. Look for those types of miracles through Emmas story. So many will be touched tell everyone you know and shout it from the rooftops (well maybe not literally) God Bless, Sami in WI

Betty said...

I have been so touched by your story...God doesnt always answer our prayers the way we thing He should. It doesnt mean that our faith is weak, or that He doesnt care, or that He doesnt hear. It simply means that it is not the way He intends it to work. Your suffering has touched so many people. More than I'm sure you know. It is such an uplifting thing to the rest of us to see you go through what you have and still have that faith in God...stronger than in the beginning. Another of His reasons for your suffering, I'm sure. God never puts us through more than we can handle if we do it with Him by our sides. He works all things according to His will, not ours. Nothing he does is without reason. There are a ton of people praying for you thanks to this blog...and you have touched my life without even knowing me.

Nurse Heidi said...

Tiffany, thank you for sharing your story. My heart is full as I read your story and remember my own little angel baby. I'll send you an email in a minute with more of my private thoughts.