Day One

I called today day one because it was the first day that I had to be on my own. All of our family that had traveled here for Emma's birth and funeral left at some point yesterday. We loved having them here and were so grateful that they all came, but we were also ready for the peace and quiet in our home to be back (okay, as much peace and quiet as you can get with two little boys running around). However, the hardest part for me was the fact that Tim had to go back as well. Being a student, he was excused from his classes for this, but it still doesn't mean he doesn't have to make up the work. He has to get it all done, so the more he misses, the harder it makes it. And Wednesday is probably his busiest day, so it made sense that he needed to go back.

Since I like to plan ahead, I made sure that I had things to do. I figured I would much rather have my time filled with things and then decide not to do them if I'm not up for them than have nothing to do and sit at home being depressed when I needed to get out. So this morning there was a playgroup that I attended. Things were going great until a mother who I only know a little bit asked me how my pregnancy was going. I didn't even think before I responded, but I said, "It's done. She died last week." And then I started into tears. I felt so bad for the other mother because she felt terrible that she had asked and that I was now crying and what not. I'm hoping that she started to feel less bad after I calmed down. While I know that it's okay for me to cry and be sad, I still don't like doing it in front of other people.

While at playgroup, Tim called to see how I was doing. I was really sad to miss his call, but it meant so much to me that he was checking in on me. I know a lot of people think that they have the most amazing husband and I am definitely one of those. But more than anything, Tim is the perfect husband for me. I missed him so much and couldn't wait until he got home, but I was so glad that he called to check on me.

This evening, I went to a function at our church that was for the women. It was nice to see so many friendly faces there. I did tear up a few times again, but it was also nice to talk to people and to be openly honest with them that I'm having ups and downs physically, mentally, and emotionally. And on that note, I'm glad that I've recognized and am allowing myself to have both the ups and the downs and to be okay with it all. I don't know what the "healthy" way to go is, but for me, I feel like that is working.