Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Day One

I called today day one because it was the first day that I had to be on my own. All of our family that had traveled here for Emma's birth and funeral left at some point yesterday. We loved having them here and were so grateful that they all came, but we were also ready for the peace and quiet in our home to be back (okay, as much peace and quiet as you can get with two little boys running around). However, the hardest part for me was the fact that Tim had to go back as well. Being a student, he was excused from his classes for this, but it still doesn't mean he doesn't have to make up the work. He has to get it all done, so the more he misses, the harder it makes it. And Wednesday is probably his busiest day, so it made sense that he needed to go back.

Since I like to plan ahead, I made sure that I had things to do. I figured I would much rather have my time filled with things and then decide not to do them if I'm not up for them than have nothing to do and sit at home being depressed when I needed to get out. So this morning there was a playgroup that I attended. Things were going great until a mother who I only know a little bit asked me how my pregnancy was going. I didn't even think before I responded, but I said, "It's done. She died last week." And then I started into tears. I felt so bad for the other mother because she felt terrible that she had asked and that I was now crying and what not. I'm hoping that she started to feel less bad after I calmed down. While I know that it's okay for me to cry and be sad, I still don't like doing it in front of other people.

While at playgroup, Tim called to see how I was doing. I was really sad to miss his call, but it meant so much to me that he was checking in on me. I know a lot of people think that they have the most amazing husband and I am definitely one of those. But more than anything, Tim is the perfect husband for me. I missed him so much and couldn't wait until he got home, but I was so glad that he called to check on me.

This evening, I went to a function at our church that was for the women. It was nice to see so many friendly faces there. I did tear up a few times again, but it was also nice to talk to people and to be openly honest with them that I'm having ups and downs physically, mentally, and emotionally. And on that note, I'm glad that I've recognized and am allowing myself to have both the ups and the downs and to be okay with it all. I don't know what the "healthy" way to go is, but for me, I feel like that is working.

12 comments:

SHILLIG4FAMILY said...

I am so glad you shared this. You are still in my prayers through this road of healing. You are such a great woman and friend. Thank you.

Jennifer Doiron said...

I believe that you are going about this the healthy. When you are sharing your love for Emma you are starting to heal a little at a time. Continue to use this blog to vent or get emotional because you are allowed to! God bless you and I will continue to keep you and your family in my heart and prayers.

Kristen said...

I'm so proud of you. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be, but I want you to know that you are a champ in my book!

Jennifer Rose said...

You survived day one! What a huge step. I can't understand exactly what you are going through, but we are here for you whenever you need to talk, laugh, cry, or just be. We are so lucky that you are willing to share your journey with us. I've been told that there is no one right way to grieve, but instead, it is a personal journey to finding what works for you, and often, what works is constantly changing. We love you!

romanmegga said...

I wish I knew you in real life. I would love to just give you a hug and listen. Its okay to cry honey it really is. Psalm 34:18 brough me great comfort when I lost a baby due to miscarriage.( I know that cant even come close to comparing to your loss) Also there is a song by Jeremy Camp (christian artist) called Walk by Faith -listen to it. It will probably make you ball your eyes out but bring you so much understanding as well. Though I dont know you really I love you and am so sad for you my dear. God bless you and your beautiful family. Sami,
La Crosse WI

lisa moore said...

Tiffany,
Have I told you lately that I admire you? :)
I think that we would worry more if you DIDN'T cry and have these emotions. Just know that the prayers for all of you have not stopped. We continue to pray for your peace and comfort and healing. Yay for day 2!

Mac said...

This was a really sweet post.

I really had such a great time at the activity last night. I can't imagine what you still must be going through, but you always seem to give off this peaceful calm that just washes over the whole ward somehow. And honestly, I had a lot of fun at the activity with you. Whenever I spend time with you and Janet I always regret that I don't spend more time with you guys.

Here's hoping that Day 2 is going well...and seriously, we should get together more often.

KMDuff said...

Hugs.

Jill said...

Keep busy... of course that would be good. However, I do not know if I could be so brave! Like everyone else I am amazed at your strength. I wish I could've been there last night with you guys. I'm sure it was so fun!

Anonymous said...

I am a friend of Kim Severinsen, she had a link to your blog and I hope you don't mind, but I have followed your story. We lost a baby at 4 months gestation and was induced to deliver him. I know that can not compare to what you went through and are going through, but from what I went through, it helped me so much to just talk about it. To talk and cry as much as I needed. It was difficult to keep it in and I felt healing through talking about it a lot. I hope that helps you. Share your feelings, vent, cry, and let the Lord help you through this.

Jen Tate

David&Deena said...

Just checked in and appreciate how you have shared the deep feelings of your heart. Our prayers continue with you. She is beautiful and you have had a sacred experience. Love to your family.

Holly said...

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