Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Little Things

There are a few little things about Emma that I hope I don't ever forget.

1. Her long and slender feet, toes, and fingers. I was amazed at how long and skinny they were. They were so beautiful too.

2. Her hair. Both of our boys were born with heads full of thick, dark hair. I joked how I would one day have a girl that was completely bald. When we found out about Emma's diagnosis, I realized that my joke might actually be true. However, Emma's anomaly was really only on the top part of her head. On the back of her head there was plenty of hair and she had a few little wisps around the top of her head.

3. Her beauty. Others who have gone through similar experiences will tell you how beautiful your child will be to you, but it really is hard to believe until you're in that moment. Emma had the potential to look really weird, yet she didn't at all. She was beautiful and perfect, except for a small opening on the top of her head. I loved holding her and just staring at her.

4. Her little bum. This is going to sound funny, but because she was so tiny, her little bum was so adorable! Tim thinks I should add in the fact that she pooped (which I was surprised about). We had her wrapped warmly in a blanket most of the time, but even through the blanket, I could feel where her tiny little bum was. It was so cute.

5. Her final kick. A little after 3:30 in the morning, our nurse came in because the monitor was no longer picking up a heartbeat from Emma. This had happened several times prior to this point, but she had always been able to find something after she moved the monitor around for a while. This time, however, she was unable to pick anything up. She brought in the ultrasound machine and found Emma's heartbeat. She didn't say anything at that point except that she was going to go get the head nurse to take a look. When the head nurse came in, it was obvious to me (I could see the screen they were looking at) that Emma's heart had little left in it. It was still beating, but at less than 20 beats per minute (normal range was 120 to 180). Not too much was said, but it was decided that we would stop monitoring Emma (with the underlying notion that she was very close to her death). That was at 4:00 am. As soon as they turned the machine off, I felt one last kick. Emma was pronounced dead at 4:01 am. I am so grateful for that last little kick of love that she gave me.

8 comments:

Betty said...

And that kick means more to you than anything you have ever received in your life. I'm sure of it.

SHILLIG4FAMILY said...

what a sweet little girl... I feel like I get to know her personally more and more as I read these entries. I love her!!!

Laura said...

Tiffany, I have been following your journey with Emma (I'm Kristen's sister in law's sister) and wanted to say how much my heart goes out to you and your family. Nobody wants something like this to happen to them--to their child, but you and your husband, it seems, have handled it as well as you possibly could. I pray that you continue to be comforted and blessed through the coming days, weeks, months, and even years, as I know Emma is yours forever.

Janet said...

As soon as I saw her feet on the video, I couldn't believe how much they looked like her brother's! The only way I know this, of course, is because of our kids' obsessions with taking off their shoes!

Andi said...

I'm so glad you have included these memories in this blog - it will help you remember, and it helps all of us feel closer to Emma. You are such a wonder, and I love you!

gerald said...

These are good things to remember. I remember the spirit of a sacred family moment in the hospital. I hope I can always hold on to that memory of the gift of love, at the time of great loss.

Kimberli said...

Your courage is so inspiring and encouraging. We send our sympathies... I can't imagine going through all of that and being so strong and feeling so great so quickly... you totally rock!! We have one toddler boy and hopefully another on the way. best wishes and God bless! (we're gina's friends)

Alissa said...

I am so sorry-your story has brought tears to my eyes. It touched me oh so much, you see my 1 and only childs name is Emma Angel and she too was born on January 15. Reading it just hit me like a ton of briks. My heart gose out to you oh so much.