January 15

It's been a year now since Emma's passing. Our lives have changed so much since then, yet I still feel like it was just the other day. But today it has been one year and I am celebrating! In a little bit I plan to make her a birthday cake with the boys. I also hope to stop by the cemetery later today. I don't know why, but I don't feel like today should be a day filled with sadness. Instead I feel it should be a day filled with joy. I want to celebrate the amazing spirit she was.

I don't think I'm any different than other moms who have lost children in saying that a single day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought of her. I like it that way. Thinking of her doesn't make me dwell on the sadness of losing her (usually). More often than not it brings a smile to my face. She's always with me.

Do I miss her? Oh yes. Do I wonder what life would be like if she hadn't died? Definitely. But things are the way they are and I know that someday we will see her again.

So today I celebrate you Emma!

Emma's Headstone - It's In

I don't know why, but we kept putting off getting Emma's headstone. But we finally picked it out and ordered it about a month ago and last week I got an email saying that it was in. We went as a family after dinner yesterday and saw it. It's small and simple, but so was Emma. I really like it.

Another Scrapbooking Invite

Hey everyone! I've put together another time to gather together to work on more of the scrapbook albums. We will be gathering Thursday, July 16, from 6 to 9 p.m. Once again it will be held at the church buildling located at 1555 North 1350 West in Provo. Come empty handed or come loaded with paper cutters, scissors, glue, friends, and whatever else you want! The full announcement is below:

WHEN: Thursday, July 16th from 6 to 9 p.m. Come whenever you can during that time period and just get as much done as you can!
WHERE: Church building located at 1555 North 1350 West, Provo, Utah
WHO: Anyone who can! You don’t need to be super creative (although you can be) to be of help. Feel free to invite family and friends to join you!
WHAT TO BRING:The most crucial supplies to bring will be paper cutters and adhesives. We will have some there, but if we have a good turn-out, you will have to take turns using these items. Also, if you have any old scrapbook supplies you wish to donate or that you wish to use, feel free to bring these and share them with others.

We're continuing to chug along with these scrapbooks, but there's still lots to do! A big thank you to all who have helped thus far! You guys are the best!

Hope to see you there!

Emma's Pond

Each year the Utah Foster Care Foundation hosts a Chalk Art Festival up in Salt Lake. I had never heard of it before until my friend Camille told me about it. Some of you may remember her, she hosted one of our giveaways with a name drawing. You can check out her work here or here. As you can see, she is an amazing artist!

She has participated in the Chalk Art Festival for a few years now and this year she contacted me and asked if it would be okay if she did a little tribute to Emma. She called it "Emma's Pond." I was touched that she would think of doing this for us. Unfortunately, the festival was Friday and Saturday and I was camping all last week and didn't get home until midnight on Friday and then it was raining all day Saturday so I never went up to Salt Lake to see it. But Camille posted pictures on her blogs. So check out Emma's pond here and here.

A big thank you to Camille and all those who were working with her!

A picture of the artists:

The finished work:

We're Scrapbooking Again!!!!

WHEN: Thursday, June 11th from 6 to 9 p.m. Come whenever you can during that time period and just get as much done as you can!

WHERE: Church building located at 1555 North 1350 West, Provo, Utah

WHO: Anyone who can! You don’t need to be super creative (although you can be) to be of help. Feel free to invite family and friends to join you!

WHAT TO BRING: The most crucial supplies to bring will be scissors and adhesives. We will have some there, but if we have a good turn-out, you will have to take turns using these items. Also, if you have any old scrapbook supplies you wish to donate or that you wish to use, feel free to bring these and share them with others.

We're continuing to chug along with these scrapbooks, but there's still lots to do! A big thank you to all who came last time and who have worked on some on their own time! You guys are the best!

Hope to see you there!

P.S. For those who were able to come last time - do you have any suggestions for a better way to organize all of the paper and embellishments? I feel like everything was just scattered about and a lot of stuff got neglected because it was buried. The only thing I can think of is to start with more tables to begin with, but then I'm afraid it'll feel weird to have tables full of stuff surrounding you. Does that make sense? Anyways, any suggestions?

P.P.S. Feel free to bring kiddos along. I brought my boys last time and a couple of other people did as well and they all played together with my husband (love ya Husband!).

P.P.P.S. Will snacks entice you to come?

What To Do

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I should do with this blog. As I've said before and as some of you know, I have a private family blog that I've had for many years. I started this blog mainly because I thought it would be too difficult to blog about Emma and about the fun times we were having with our boys right next to each other. However, as time went on, we found great joy in Emma and I didn't feel like it was a weird thing to blog those things together. But at that point, I had already started this blog. Not only that, but this blog had reached across the country and even to various parts of the world and I was very grateful that Emma's story was being shared and appreciated by so many.

Now it's been almost 5 months since Emma has left us. Wow. Sometimes I wish time would stop and the world would remember our sweet little girl. While we shall never forget Emma, the world moves on without her. We now face the awkward question of "how many children do you have?" While I don't like to make others uneasy, I do like to mention Emma because I don't want her to be left behind.

Having said all that, I'm not quite sure what to do with this blog now. I would love to continue to share Emma's story with the world, but Emma's story is the story of our family moving and continuing on in this world and I blog about that in my other blog. I can continue to blog about ups and downs and I can continue to blog about the scrapbooks (because I still need help!) but I'm not sure of what else to blog.

I think for sure I'm going to take some time to get Emma's blog more user friendly. I realized that I've never put the links to all of the other anen mom's blogs up here and I would like to do that. If you're reading this and you are a blogger of a baby with anencephaly, please leave a comment with your blog address. I have them all in my google reader, but it would be so much quicker if the comments were just left. And if not, then I will just go through my google reader and do it. I think I'm also going to put up links to specific posts on the sidebar so that people who come to this page for the first time can get a better idea of some of the thoughts along the way. I'm also going to be publishing this blog into a book (probably through blurb) so that we can have that as part of our memories of Emma.

Congratulations

Congratulations to Emma!

You are going to be a big sister!

Thank You Thank You Thank You!

A HUGE thank you to everyone who came and made scrapbooks with us today! I had no idea if one person or 40 people would show up, so I was very happy that 20 people were able to come! The only problem, however, was that I underestimated how long one scrapbook would take. I figured that if someone came for most of the time, they could get about 4 scrapbooks done. Oh how I wrong I was. There was only one person who got 2 scrapbooks done, and she did them simultaneously. Everyone else was able to get 1 done. But don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for those! It just means that we have tons more to do! Several of you e-mailed me and told me that you couldn't make it but you'd love to do some on your own time, and that would be wonderful. Also, we will for sure be planning another get-together to get more done. But the ones that are done look amazing!!!! I love them all! So a huge thank you to everyone! And I guess I was so wrapped up in my own scrapbook album that I completely forgot to take pictures of us all scrapbooking away! Oh well, I'll just have to make sure I do take pictures next time we do it!

Also, I just wanted to say that I haven't forgotten about featuring blogs on Friday, I was just out of town one week, and then did forget the next week, so then I didn't really get back into the swing of things. I will, however, be doing more soon. So stay tuned....

You've been waiting for it...

Scrapbook Album Extravaganza

WHEN
Monday, May 25 (Memorial Day) between 8:30 and 11 a.m. Come whenever you can during that time period and put together one or multiple albums.

WHERE
1555 North 1350 West, Provo, Utah

WHO
Anyone who can! You don’t need to be super creative (although you can be) to be of help. Feel free to invite family and friends to join you!

WHAT TO BRING
The most crucial supplies to bring will be scissors and adhesives. We will have some there, but if we have a good turn-out, you will have to take turns using these items. Also, if you have any old scrapbook supplies you wish to donate or that you wish to use, feel free to bring these and share them with others.

We’re hoping to be able to get most if not all of these scrapbook albums done in this session, but we know we can’t do it alone. We hope you’ll all make an effort to come and join us. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask.

Hope to see you there!

Scrapbook Extravaganza

First of all, I just wanted to say congratulations to my sister and brother-in-law and a big welcome to the world to my newest niece!

Now, as for scrapbooking - we're not doing it this Saturday. So, for those of you planning on participating, would you rather do it this Monday in the morning (Memorial Day) or next Saturday (May 30) with the possibility that it may have to be delayed again if we do it next Saturday. Thoughts?

A Few Thoughts

1. Thank you to everyone who has given me positive feedback about my KSL High 5. It wasn't as embarrassing as I'd thought it would be (considering I hadn't showered) and it's kind of fun having people both that I know and don't know tell me that they saw me on TV.

2. On Saturday there was a Remembrance Walk for those in the area who have lost their babies or small children. It was definitely a tear-jerker. It makes me want to move to an area that doesn't have any of these amazing resources of support that we have so that I can start them there and bless others' lives with them. If you're in an area that doesn't have these kinds of things, feel free to e-mail me and I can let you know all of the many resources we've been blessed with so you can possibly get some stuff started in your own area.

3. In my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there is no paid preacher or pastor. The ones who speak or give talks are members of the congregation. I was asked to give a talk this past Sunday (Mother's Day). Because of time constraints, I only gave the first half of my talk, which was basically my story of motherhood. I feel pretty good about how it went, but sometimes I wonder if I come across as always talking about myself because of the fact that I bring up Emma's story so often. Tim doesn't think so, but he's an amazing husband who loves just about everything I do.

4. Scrapbook albums. For those of you who are new, let me go back a bit. After Emma died, the hospital gave us several things for mementos. One of which was a pre-made scrapbook album. I also had a cousin-in-law give us one. I loved both of these books and it was so nice to just print pictures and stick them in and then have them ready for display at Emma's funeral. However, the lady who runs the whole bereavement support thing said that they don't have very many left and the original ones were all donated. So I have had a few different scrapbook stores and people donate scrapbook supplies and/or money and we now have everything we need to put these together! So we're thinking that on Saturday, May 23rd sometime in the morning, anyone and everyone is invited to come join us to put these together. Whether we know you or not, you're invited! I'll be posting more exact details sometime next week (like place and time), but tentatively put it on your calendars. The more the merrier!

5. Pregnancy and birth in general can really mess with your hormones, but since losing Emma, I didn't realize the tremendous swing there really would be. My self-esteem has had some of it's highest highs and some it's lowest lows over the last little while. Lately I've been on the lower end and I've been trying to figure out what will help me the most to kind of get out of my low self-esteem funk. One thing I've decided is that I'm going to be checking and posting on blogs less. So I apologize, but Emma's Story will not be updated as often as it used to be (which used to be every couple of days). I also apologize for the lack of comments I will be leaving on others' blogs, but at this time I want to spend more quality time with my boys and husband, as that is what truly makes me happy.

6. Just a friendly reminder that the Running With Angels 5k is this Saturday. We are already signed up and ready to go! Come run with us (or you can run and then leave us behind when we have to start walking)! Click here for my original post about it.

Here's the Link

Thanks to Staci for e-mailing me this link. I tried to find it myself, but I couldn't. Here's the link to the story and the news clip for my High 5:

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=6415217

I also wanted to give credit to Julie Whiteley for many of the photos. She's given us permission to use them however we'd like, so my sister sent some to KSL 5 and they attributed them all to her.

E-mails

I really don't think I can thank you guys enough for the love, the support, the prayers, and everything else that you've shown us over the last while. I know I say it a lot (that I can't thank you guys enough) but that's because it's true. You are all so wonderful.

I also wanted to thank those of you who have e-mailed me and shared with me your stories. The e-mails aren't flooding in, but I have gotten quite a few e-mails from people across the globe who have similar and not so similar stories. I am so grateful for the stories and words that you have shared with me. They have touched my heart and I'm happy to know that Emma's story has touched your hearts as well.

So once again, I say thank you.

And for those who have asked, my High 5 is being aired on KSL5 tomorrow morning at around 6:25 (possibly a few minutes earlier).

My High 5!

This what the producer had to say about when it will air:

"May 8th, the Friday before Mother's Day. We figured that would be a nice gift for her, and a tribute to mothers everywhere. So, let people know May 8th at around 6:25. I'd tune in sooner just to make sure you don't miss it."

So there you have it. Anyone want to invite me over around 6:15 in the morning this Friday so I can watch it (we don't have any tv stations) or anyone want to tape it for me?

P.S. Hawaii was wonderful.

Scrapbook Albums!!!

Okay, I know I keep saying things are still coming together with them, and that continues to be the case. But they are getting much much closer! I have to thank both Sandy and Michelle for all of the stuff they've done! I would be no where still if it wasn't for them.

So I am going to Hawaii next week!!!!!! (I know that's besides the point, I'm just a little excited so I had to throw it in there). When we get back, I'm going to have a scrapbook party where you all can come and we can officially make these albums!!! (Okay, I'll try to contain the !!!!s).

I set up a poll on the side of various dates and times when we might have the scrap booking extravaganza. It will be here in Provo, probably at our church (I will give the address later when we know for sure that's where we'll do it). Anyone and everyone is welcome and invited to come. It will probably also be a time frame, where you can feel free to come to whatever parts of it you can (i.e. doing it from 5-9 and maybe you come from 5-7). We'll finalize the details later, but I want to get a general idea of when people would want to and can do it.

For the poll, you can vote for a preference of date and time, or you can vote for a preference against a certain date or time. I also think that if you want to vote more than once, you can clear your computer's cookies and that way if there are a few days you want to vote for, you can do that as well. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions about dates, times, whatever.

Thanks!

Why?

Apparently a lot of anencephaly moms have been getting attacked via the internet lately. The comments and emails being sent to them aren't just hurtful and rude, many of them are obscene. I know that Myah (mommy to Faith), Nicole (mommy to Logan), and Misty (mommy to Isaac) have all had unsettling comments or emails sent to them. As if going through this wasn't hard enough, people have to make it harder by just being nasty. It makes me sick to think about.

So I'm asking a favor. Please pray for these people who are attacking these courageous mothers. Pray that they might let God enter into their lives. And if they can't do that, then maybe we should pray that they can just be nice. And if they can't do that, then maybe we should just pray that they won't be mean.

3 Months

Today marks 3 months since Emma's birth and passing. Time really does go by quickly. I still haven't visited Emma's grave site. We couldn't put a headstone in until April, because the ground is oftentimes frozen before then, but we still haven't done it. I think that's the reason why I haven't visited though. I think I need something tangible to look at and to touch. Not just some grass and thinking that she's somewhere around.

However, since it is her 3 month birthday, I want to come up with some traditions that our family can incorporate to remember Emma by. Here are a few suggestions I've gotten from other people:

• go to the grave and sing Christmas carols around Christmas
• hike the "Y" (it's a big Y on a mountain here) on the birthday (I don't think this one would work for Emma though because of the time of year)
• every year on the birthday, do some charitable act related to how old that child would be (i.e. at one year - donate 12 mo. girl clothing to a shelter, at 6 year - donate books to a local elementary school, etc.)

We're still trying to figure out what works and what would be meaningful to us. But we're also not very creative people, so if you have any ideas, please share them with us!

Running With Angels

I received this email earlier today.

Dear Friends,

Pam Hansen, who is the author of the book, Running with Angels is co-sponsoring a 5K Run/Walk on May 16, 2009 along with the help of Intermountain – Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. It is at 8:00 AM at Thanksgiving Point, in Lehi. This year, she has designated that all of the proceeds of the race are to go to Angel Watch to support our program in the Utah South area, with any special donations going to our statewide program! We are so grateful for her kind generosity!

As the statewide Angel Watch program is at risk for any further funding next year as we are almost entirely funded by donations, we would like to encourage you and your families and friends to register for this walk/run and participate on May 16th as you can, so that future potential Angel Watch families can receive support as they have in the past.

The link to the race/walk information and the registration form is attached! Thanks for your support and ….See you at the race!

Love you!

Carolyn Kasteler, RN
Director of Angel Watch

PS – For those of you who are not able to attend the race but would like to make a donation to Angel Watch, please go to www.mckay-deefoundation.org to make an on-line donation! Thanks in advance for any support you can give us!! We hope to be here to support any families in the future who may have these needs.

I fully intend to participate and run in this race. For those of you who may not remember, Angel Watch was the program that got in touch with us after we received Emma's diagnosis and they came and visited us twice in our home before her delivery and once afterwards. They helped us talk things out and really discover how we were feeling. They also helped us out with our birth plan and funeral arrangements. They were there for us with as much or as little as we needed.

I invite all in the area to come and join our family in this event. Online information can be found here: http://runningwithangels.com/. I also have a registration form that I can email you and you can send in if you don't want to do it online. Prices go up after May 2nd, so register today!

Let's see...am I forgetting anything else? If I am, just let me know. And I hope lots of you will be able to participate with us!

Happy Easter

I spent the day yesterday with my family, so that's why I'm only now getting around to an Easter post.

This was a very special and meaningful Easter for me. I had the opportunity to teach part of an Easter lesson yesterday to the girls ages 12-18 at my church. Preparing for and giving that lesson was an uplifting experience that made my testimony of our Savior even greater.

I know that He died for me and for you. But more than that, I know that He rose again on the third day and I know that He lives!

And I know that we too will rise again after our deaths. That means so much more to me now than it ever did before. I know that we will be reunited with Emma after this earthly life and that we will be with her forever.

This Easter season has filled me with hope. Not a "I hope these things will happen." Because I know of their surety. But a hope that has allowed me to lift my eyes towards Heaven and rejoice in His glorious plan.

I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for Him as He walks this path of life with me and my family. I am grateful for the gift of eternal families and that my family can be together forever someday. Until then, I will continue to hold Emma close in my heart.

Happy Easter!

Thinking of Misty

Tonight my thoughts are with my friend Misty and her family. I met Misty through one of my anencephaly yahoo groups when she started a message with, "Hello from Utah!" I contacted her and it turns out that we live in the same city (in fact, she lives across the street from one of my husband's cousins). We got together after Emma was born and there was an instant bond. She is currently pregnant with Isaac, who has also been diagnosed with anencephaly.

A week ago, Misty found out that she has polyhydraminos (excess of amniotic fluid (it is not uncommon in anencephalic pregnanices)). Unfortunately, her poly was so bad, that it was a serious risk to her. So her c-section was moved up from May to tomorrow, April 8th. I can't get her out of my mind and I pray that the Lord will give her the strength she needs tomorrow and that she will be blessed with time, so that she, her husband, and her three other children can enjoy time with Isaac.

If you think about it, please stop and say a prayer for Misty, Isaac, and the rest of their family.

Hopefully Misty will update her blog. If you want to read it, you can find it here: A Road Less Traveled.