Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I Just Wish I Knew

I know I posted about this before, but I'm not really sure if it made sense. I also still struggle a little with it.

Mostly, I wish I knew what Heavenly Father's will for Emma and our family is. I don't want to pray with all my heart for her to be born alive if that's not His will. I just feel like the more I pray for it, the more I want it! But then if that doesn't happen, I don't want to be disappointed (that's not the correct word to describe it, but I can't think of a better one right now). I want to feel peace and comfort about the entire situation surrounding Emma's birth.

I'm sure this is still not making much sense.

As we approach Emma's birth date (still planning on January 15th), I have mixed feelings of excitement and nervousness. Fortunately, as we get closer and closer, I continue to have more trust and faith in my doctor. You can read the story of Zion-Grace. That's my same doctor. The fact that Zion-Grace was born alive and that the mother came out of that labor not just safe and okay, but the same physically as any other labor (she was hemorrhaging) is a miracle in my mind. I've been in touch a few times with that family and they too think that it was a major blessing in their lives to have been led to that doctor. (I did a post a while ago about how when I got pregnant this time I decided to go with a different doctor than with my other pregnancies, but at the time I couldn't explain why because I had liked my doctor and I was still in the same city with the same insurance - I now know why).

This is a really random mixture of things. Sorry about that.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. Everything is about the same. Emma grew, but not a ton. Her heartbeat is still going strong. Tim and I had a few more questions that I thought the doctor gave good answers to. We only have one more appointment left before I'm going to be induced. Time really is flying.

1 comment:

Chantellebr said...

Hello Tiffany. I'm Shawn Brady's cousin, Chantelle. I've started writting to you so many times since Kristen first posted on her blog about Emma. My baby brother was born with what I now think was exencephaly. I can tell from what you write that the Comforter is with you and I am grateful for that.

I think that you have done a good job expressing some of the feelings that you are having, expecilly as Emma's birthday comes closer. It's OK to pray for what you want to happen. Heavenly Father already knows that you have accepted His will... he wants you to tell Him, without feeling guilty about it, what you want. Then maybe you could pray for peace about not knowing? I think that sometimes we try so hard to live and think the way we're "supposed to" that we don't allow ourselves to think/feel the natural stuff. I see that you're an amazingly strong mother. It's OK for you to pray that your baby will be born alive - pray for that with everything that you have. You know that Christ will heal you and your family. Try not to judge yourself and just continue loving your beautiful children, the way your heart wants to.

I'm sorry this comment is so long. Please forgive me and ignore anything I may have said that offends you. THat certainly wasn't my intention. PLease just know that I have cried for your family more times than I can tell you. You are all in my prayers.

With love from a stranger, Chantelle