January 15th

When I had my most recent doctor's appointment, we talked more about when I would be induced. We talked about January 15th. He said that he doesn't have his schedule for that far in advance and that the hospital probably doesn't have a schedule for then either yet, but he wrote it down in my chart and said we'll do it.

I've been praying a lot about that day and while I haven't had this overwhelming feeling that this is the day, I've just felt simple feelings that I should keep moving forward and all will be well. I've prayed about a few other days, and every time I get the same feeling - just keep moving forward and all will be well. So we're moving forward with January 15th.

But every now and then I think about how I can't possibly pick a date. Because, in reality, while I'm picking Emma's birthday, it's very likely that I'm also picking her death day. Yes, the statistics in the report I posted do show that some anencephalic babies live for more than a day, but I'm not counting on that being the case with Emma because we know of other problems that her body has.

So at times I think that maybe she can just stay inside of me forever. That way she can't leave me.

But I know that that's not the answer. I guess mostly I am starting to get a little nervous and scared. Time is going by too fast. I'm scared for what it will really be like when I do lose my precious little girl.

I try not to think about it too much, because I don't want to shake myself too much. But then again, I try to think about it because we have been blessed by the Lord to know all of this in advance and we have the opportunity to prepare for it.

So yes, we're planning on the 15th of January. But sometimes I pretend like we're not. Because really, sometimes I just don't like to think about that day.