Friday, February 27, 2009

The Big Question

The question I get asked all the time (which I don't mind) is how are you doing?

At first I answered everyone with something similar to one of these two responses:

I have ups and downs, but more ups than downs.

Much better than I expected.


Those were my two most common answers because they really spoke the truth about how I was doing. But it's a little different now. I still have ups and downs, with more ups than downs, but I'm no longer doing better than I expected, because I feel like I'm still struggling. And in no way am I saying that I'm not allowed to be struggling, but I didn't expect it by this point, especially because of how well I felt I was doing immediately after Emma's birth.

However, I still really struggle with the fact that she died during labor. I know that Heavenly Father is good and great and that He has a plan for me. But I also know that I don't know what that plan is. And thus, it really makes things hard. I accept that Emma died during labor and that that was Heavenly Father's will, but because I don't know why it was His will, I struggle with it. I still greatly wish that she could have been born alive.

At the time that I said it, I don't think I truly understood how true my statement of "Emma dying inside of me just made this trial ten times harder" would really be. I can't explain why it's so difficult for me, because I don't know why. But it is, and I'm really trying to be an instrument in the Lord's hands right now as I seek to understand His will for me and our family.

9 comments:

Sarah said...

In grief counseling, they say to give it a year. You have to have firsts of all of the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. That isn't to say that the whole year will be a flat line +struggle, but it will also hit you at odd and unexpected moments. Several days after the funeral, Rachel was almost done praying when she paused and then said, "And bless Tiffany." Even at 7, a girl knows what that loss is for a mom. Continue to be patient with yourself. We will keep you in our prayers. Much love.

trine k said...

We are keeping you in our prayers too. I couldn't help but comment when I read this one, because faith is such an amazing power, but sometimes can feel so hard to exercise. I do believe Heavenly Father loves you, and is looking out for your best interest. With that being said, there must have been a reason and for now we are praying that you can trust him and feel peace. I know you'll get your answer someday. In the meantime, we love you, keep being patient with yourself as you work through all this, and I know as you stick close to the Lord through prayer and scriptures you'll be alright. Love you!

Holly said...

I imagine it is very hard to deal w/ the fact that she died during labor and you didn't get to see her in your arms alive. I know if that is what happens for Carleigh it will hurt me very much b/c I look forward to seeing her alive and my hopes are really high for that. I continue to think about and pray for you.

Jennifer Rose said...

I also struggle with the fact that Emma died during labor. The scriptures have many examples of people who prayed and received an answer exactly as they prayed. And there are also many examples where Heavenly Father answered prayers in different ways than expected. The "but if not" principle is one that I am often thinking about and hoping that I can cultivate in my life (I love that conference talk from a few years ago and have learned so much from it). I wish there were more of a timeline for grief. It can be unexpected in so many ways, and we are here to support you all along the way. Thanks for sharing your insights and experience with us. I so much admire your sincere honesty. We learn so much from you.

Anonymous said...

i think sometimes there really is no other reason or answer to our "why's" other than the fact that God is testing our faith. He knows your heart and knew your desires at that moment. He also knows you have a strong testimony of His plan. Sometimes He just wants to know if we will remain strong through the trials He gives to us. Its a simple answer, but i think a lot of times there isn't much more to it than that.

i think you are doing a wonderful job with staying strong. i can't say i would be the same. i admire you very much! thank you for your example.

E and K Rausch said...

I know what you mean about having the ups and downs. I just went through a whole month with more downs then ups. I am feeling better, but I am going to prepare myself more for those down days. I am not sure how, maybe with prayer. ITS a hard thing to go through and I am sorry Emma was not born a live, for you and for your healing. BUT we all know HE has a plan for us, we just don't know what it is and well that right there is the hard part, I just wish I knew.......

Eli said...

I wish there were good answers to give. The truth is that this is a horrible thing to go through. No parent should ever have to experience the death of their child, under any circumstance. It will probably hurt for the rest of your lives. That is a testament of how much and deeply you loved her. While everyone who reads this blog feels that love and that pain to some degree, we can never know it as you do. It's not okay, but you guys are raising two strong and wonderful sons who will be so much better from the strength you have, even when you think you have none. You've given us all hope.

Tina said...

I think your honesty about your struggle helps you to be an instrument in the Lord's hands. All of us have trials, and often I think we believe we have to be okay if we're faithful. But, even the Savior had sorrows.

I appreciate your honesty and your example. We don't know each other, but my parents and sister love you and your family. Because of that, my family has prayed for your family throughout this journey. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. You continue to amaze me and strengthen my resolve to share honestly my journey that I too might be an instrument in the Lord's hands.

May our Father bless you with peace.

Misty said...

I haven't crossed that bridge yet, because we haven't had Isaac, and I can only dream now of long he will hopefully live.

I can only say for myself, that one of the things that keep me going is feeling like I am going to get to meet a living baby. I can't imagine how that would feel to not have that, and know it's a possibility. I guess more then anything, I feel like I have no right words to say to you, but that I can understand why you feel the way you do. And I am so sorry. Lets you and me playdate this week. No if's, and's, or but's about it. If you don't call me, I'll call you. And yes, that is a threat!! (wink)