My High 5!

This what the producer had to say about when it will air:

"May 8th, the Friday before Mother's Day. We figured that would be a nice gift for her, and a tribute to mothers everywhere. So, let people know May 8th at around 6:25. I'd tune in sooner just to make sure you don't miss it."

So there you have it. Anyone want to invite me over around 6:15 in the morning this Friday so I can watch it (we don't have any tv stations) or anyone want to tape it for me?

P.S. Hawaii was wonderful.

Scrapbook Albums!!!

Okay, I know I keep saying things are still coming together with them, and that continues to be the case. But they are getting much much closer! I have to thank both Sandy and Michelle for all of the stuff they've done! I would be no where still if it wasn't for them.

So I am going to Hawaii next week!!!!!! (I know that's besides the point, I'm just a little excited so I had to throw it in there). When we get back, I'm going to have a scrapbook party where you all can come and we can officially make these albums!!! (Okay, I'll try to contain the !!!!s).

I set up a poll on the side of various dates and times when we might have the scrap booking extravaganza. It will be here in Provo, probably at our church (I will give the address later when we know for sure that's where we'll do it). Anyone and everyone is welcome and invited to come. It will probably also be a time frame, where you can feel free to come to whatever parts of it you can (i.e. doing it from 5-9 and maybe you come from 5-7). We'll finalize the details later, but I want to get a general idea of when people would want to and can do it.

For the poll, you can vote for a preference of date and time, or you can vote for a preference against a certain date or time. I also think that if you want to vote more than once, you can clear your computer's cookies and that way if there are a few days you want to vote for, you can do that as well. Feel free to leave any comments or suggestions about dates, times, whatever.

Thanks!

Why?

Apparently a lot of anencephaly moms have been getting attacked via the internet lately. The comments and emails being sent to them aren't just hurtful and rude, many of them are obscene. I know that Myah (mommy to Faith), Nicole (mommy to Logan), and Misty (mommy to Isaac) have all had unsettling comments or emails sent to them. As if going through this wasn't hard enough, people have to make it harder by just being nasty. It makes me sick to think about.

So I'm asking a favor. Please pray for these people who are attacking these courageous mothers. Pray that they might let God enter into their lives. And if they can't do that, then maybe we should pray that they can just be nice. And if they can't do that, then maybe we should just pray that they won't be mean.

3 Months

Today marks 3 months since Emma's birth and passing. Time really does go by quickly. I still haven't visited Emma's grave site. We couldn't put a headstone in until April, because the ground is oftentimes frozen before then, but we still haven't done it. I think that's the reason why I haven't visited though. I think I need something tangible to look at and to touch. Not just some grass and thinking that she's somewhere around.

However, since it is her 3 month birthday, I want to come up with some traditions that our family can incorporate to remember Emma by. Here are a few suggestions I've gotten from other people:

• go to the grave and sing Christmas carols around Christmas
• hike the "Y" (it's a big Y on a mountain here) on the birthday (I don't think this one would work for Emma though because of the time of year)
• every year on the birthday, do some charitable act related to how old that child would be (i.e. at one year - donate 12 mo. girl clothing to a shelter, at 6 year - donate books to a local elementary school, etc.)

We're still trying to figure out what works and what would be meaningful to us. But we're also not very creative people, so if you have any ideas, please share them with us!

Running With Angels

I received this email earlier today.

Dear Friends,

Pam Hansen, who is the author of the book, Running with Angels is co-sponsoring a 5K Run/Walk on May 16, 2009 along with the help of Intermountain – Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. It is at 8:00 AM at Thanksgiving Point, in Lehi. This year, she has designated that all of the proceeds of the race are to go to Angel Watch to support our program in the Utah South area, with any special donations going to our statewide program! We are so grateful for her kind generosity!

As the statewide Angel Watch program is at risk for any further funding next year as we are almost entirely funded by donations, we would like to encourage you and your families and friends to register for this walk/run and participate on May 16th as you can, so that future potential Angel Watch families can receive support as they have in the past.

The link to the race/walk information and the registration form is attached! Thanks for your support and ….See you at the race!

Love you!

Carolyn Kasteler, RN
Director of Angel Watch

PS – For those of you who are not able to attend the race but would like to make a donation to Angel Watch, please go to www.mckay-deefoundation.org to make an on-line donation! Thanks in advance for any support you can give us!! We hope to be here to support any families in the future who may have these needs.

I fully intend to participate and run in this race. For those of you who may not remember, Angel Watch was the program that got in touch with us after we received Emma's diagnosis and they came and visited us twice in our home before her delivery and once afterwards. They helped us talk things out and really discover how we were feeling. They also helped us out with our birth plan and funeral arrangements. They were there for us with as much or as little as we needed.

I invite all in the area to come and join our family in this event. Online information can be found here: http://runningwithangels.com/. I also have a registration form that I can email you and you can send in if you don't want to do it online. Prices go up after May 2nd, so register today!

Let's see...am I forgetting anything else? If I am, just let me know. And I hope lots of you will be able to participate with us!

Happy Easter

I spent the day yesterday with my family, so that's why I'm only now getting around to an Easter post.

This was a very special and meaningful Easter for me. I had the opportunity to teach part of an Easter lesson yesterday to the girls ages 12-18 at my church. Preparing for and giving that lesson was an uplifting experience that made my testimony of our Savior even greater.

I know that He died for me and for you. But more than that, I know that He rose again on the third day and I know that He lives!

And I know that we too will rise again after our deaths. That means so much more to me now than it ever did before. I know that we will be reunited with Emma after this earthly life and that we will be with her forever.

This Easter season has filled me with hope. Not a "I hope these things will happen." Because I know of their surety. But a hope that has allowed me to lift my eyes towards Heaven and rejoice in His glorious plan.

I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for Him as He walks this path of life with me and my family. I am grateful for the gift of eternal families and that my family can be together forever someday. Until then, I will continue to hold Emma close in my heart.

Happy Easter!

Thinking of Misty

Tonight my thoughts are with my friend Misty and her family. I met Misty through one of my anencephaly yahoo groups when she started a message with, "Hello from Utah!" I contacted her and it turns out that we live in the same city (in fact, she lives across the street from one of my husband's cousins). We got together after Emma was born and there was an instant bond. She is currently pregnant with Isaac, who has also been diagnosed with anencephaly.

A week ago, Misty found out that she has polyhydraminos (excess of amniotic fluid (it is not uncommon in anencephalic pregnanices)). Unfortunately, her poly was so bad, that it was a serious risk to her. So her c-section was moved up from May to tomorrow, April 8th. I can't get her out of my mind and I pray that the Lord will give her the strength she needs tomorrow and that she will be blessed with time, so that she, her husband, and her three other children can enjoy time with Isaac.

If you think about it, please stop and say a prayer for Misty, Isaac, and the rest of their family.

Hopefully Misty will update her blog. If you want to read it, you can find it here: A Road Less Traveled.

My "High 5"

I've recently joined a gym as part of a decision to get back into better shape. I go almost every day at around 3 in the afternoon. Sometime last week, my sister e-mailed me and said she was coming to Provo to do some things and wondered if she could stop by my house to visit (she lives about 45 minutes away). She said she wouldn't be able to stop by until 2:30, so she asked if I could go to the gym later in the day. I replied in an email and said that would work, I then asked what she had to do in Provo.

I never got a response back from her and didn't think much about it until this morning when I was planning my day out. I started to get really worry that something was wrong and she needed to come talk with me face to face about something. I got a little more anxious still when Tim came home for the afternoon. I was worried that Kristen (my sister) would be uncomfortable talking about whatever it was in front of Tim.

Oh little did I know!

So I was on the phone with my parents, first my mom, and then my dad, just talking away and looking out our window. I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt because I was going to the gym in an hour or so.

So I'm looking out the window and then I think I see my sister drive by. But our neighbor's have a car similar to hers, so I figure it must be them. Then I see this car pull up slowly on the street, but I don't think much of it because it goes out of my view. A minute or so later, another car that I don't recognize pulls up and stops outside my house on the street). I can't see the people getting out very well, but I know that I don't know them. Next I see the car that I thought was my sister's drive by again. And then? I see my sister-in-law drive by and I am almost positive it's her. It continues to get better, because Lecia (my sister-in-law) drove by two more times! I'm a little perplexed now but still don't think much of it. Then a white car pulls up and stops on the street in front of our neighbor's house. I didn't recognize the car, until my aunt gets out of it! I'm so confused, so I change windows to get a better view and see my sister, my aunt, and two other people I don't know all talking on the sidewalk. I told my dad that I needed to go and hung up the phone. I continue to watch the people, while Tim is totally just sitting on the couch, not wondering what's going on at all. And then I see the lady I don't know pull out a microphone with a news label on it. I tell Tim and he casually says, "maybe you should change your shirt."

ACK! I quickly run into my room and change both my shirt and pants, but there's no time to fix the hair or put on makeup because the door is being knocked on! Tim tells me I'd better answer it. So I open the door and there is the woman with the microphone, a man with a video camera, my sister, my sister-in-law, and my aunt!

I forget the woman's name, but she was from KSL5 and was giving me a "High 5." She said that they seek to recognize people who have changed others lives for the better and that my sister had nominated me for a high five! So we gave high fives and then she interviewed me a little, while I'm standing there dumbfounded on my doorstep. She also interviewed my sister, Kristen. All the while, Peter is jumping and throwing his blanket in the background.

Then they wanted to get some shots of me playing with the boys, so we tried that, but it's hard to stage playing, especially when you know people are watching. Then my best friend Janet came! She had walked from her house to mine with three kids 3 and under!!!! She is amazing! They interviewed her as well and Janet says such good stuff in front of the camera! I hope they show mostly her and Kristen, and not so much me.

Anyways, we got a gift bag that's got some passes in it for some places and a few other items. All in all, it was a really cool thing and I'm honored that my sister thought to nominate me! And now it makes sense why Tim spent his afternoon home cleaning our house (they told my sister that they might film inside or outside my house). They said that they air their high 5s on Friday mornings around 6:30, but the woman didn't know if it would be this Friday or the next one. So once I find out, I'll let you know. I guess you can also see it on ksl.com after it'll be on t.v.

(Sorry if that ended abruptly. While in the middle of the last paragraph, Benjamin started screaming and I went to check and blood was oozing out of his mouth (and wouldn't stop). We've now got everything under control, but I lost my train of thought and just ended the story soon thereafter.)

Thanks for the High 5 KSL and everyone who was in on it!

Emma's Imprints

Some time after Emma was born, Heather (the bereavement specialist) did imprints of her hands and feet in clay. We just got them back this morning and I love them! There is a Christmas ornament type one with her feet and her first name, and then there is a bigger one with both her hands and feet with her first and middle name. They are so beautiful and I'm so grateful to Heather for doing these for us!

When Heather dropped these off, I talked to her about making the scrapbook albums and she's going to see what funds they might have to help us towards purchasing albums or what kind of deductions we can get from being a tax-exempt organization. So I will let you know more as we figure out more.

Scrapbook Albums

Sometime after we found out about Emma's diagnosis, Tim's cousin Jamie sent us a pre-made scrapbook album. It was adorable and I loved it (still do)! In the hospital, we were sent home with another pre-made scrapbook album (by pre-made, I mean all the pages are cute and decorated already and they are just waiting for you to put your pictures in). We filled both of them with pictures right away and were able to display them at Emma's memorial service. Pictured below are both of the albums, the one on the left being from the hospital and the one on the right being from Jamie.

About a month after Emma left us, we met with the sweet ladies from Angel Watch again. Two of them had already seen Emma (one was our nurse when Emma was delivered and the other one came in afterwards and helped us bathe and dress Emma, took pictures, and did molds of her hands and feet). However, the third lady had not seen Emma and asked if we had any pictures. I brought out these two albums for all three of them to look at. They loved looking at the pictures and both the nurse and Carolyn, the lady who had not met Emma, were astonished at how beautiful they were. I told them that Tim's cousin had made one and that Heather had given us the other one (Heather being the one who helped us bathe and dress Emma, etc.). Heather then explained that a mother had donated about 100 of those albums and she was able to give them out to families that lost their babies or young children, but that she was almost out of them.

I decided to contact several scrapbook stores to see if they would donate any supplies so that I might be able to make some more books like these to pass on to other mothers. I didn't think I would get much of a response, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least try. Well, a sweet lady from amillionlittlethings.com responded to me and told me that she would love to help. She said that she would put a box of things together and send it my way. I received that box yesterday and was completely amazed! There was probably hundreds of dollars worth of stuff in there! Take a look for yourself at the stuff she sent (and I don't think the picture does is justice because you can't see all of the stuff underneath other stuff). There's tons of paper and embellishments.

So now Tim and I are trying to figure out how to best go about this all. The thing we most need now is albums to hold everything in. We've discussed various ways that we could home-make some albums, and we've looked a little online at albums we could purchase. I'm wondering if any of you have any great ideas of what we should do for albums. We like the 8x8 size, but most of the paper is 12x12 so we could do that size as well. Also, we're totally fine with not having everything uniform. If some are 8x8 and some are 12x12 and some are 6x6 and some are 8 1/2x11, we're totally fine with that. But I'm looking for your guys' input on any ideas on the best way to make/purchase albums.

Next thing we're trying to figure out is the process of assembling everything. We talked of offering it to one of the young men at our church who might use it for an eagle project or working with a young woman on it for a value project or discussing it with the Humanitarian Committee, doing it for a mutual (youth group) activity, or just putting something together ourselves and just inviting whoever wants to come and help to do so. Any thoughts? Would any of you be interested in getting together at some time and helping us? Also, if it's something that we put together ourselves and you're interested in joining us, would some time during the day be best or in the evening or on a Saturday? We were thinking that we might just set up some tables in our church's gym so that we can spread everything out and work on it.

As you can see, we're a pretty indecisive couple. So I'm writing this because I'm way excited for this all to take place and because we're trying to figure out the best way to go about it all.

Also, if you're someone who loves to scrapbook, but have switched to mostly digital stuff, we'd love to take any donations of your old stuff that you'd be willing to give. Or if you're interested in contributing in a monetary way to help us purchase albums, that would be more than welcome as well. Or if you know someone who could get us a discount or really anything you can think of. So if you have any thoughts or comments or are interested in participating or helping out in any way, please leave a comment or email me at emmasstory@gmail.com (or my personal email address if you have it).

Thank you!

A week of births

I know of three anencephaly mommies who will be delivering their babies within the next week. Today, Brandy will be induced in Kansas and will deliver baby Francis. On Friday, Holly from Ohio will be induced and will deliver baby Carleigh and next Monday, Jill from Texas will be having a c-section to deliver baby Ellen. They are all in my thoughts and prayers at this time as they prepare to meet their little ones. It is such an exciting, yet frightening time. Feel free to join me in thinking of and praying for these mommies and their families.

Thinking About My Angel

I've been thinking a lot lately about Emma dying before birth. I said before that I was struggling with this, and I still am a little, but through the grace of our Father in Heaven, he is helping me to heal, draw nearer unto Him, and to understand His hands in all things.

I received new insight tonight, sadly it is because of my dear friend's loss. My heart is breaking for her and her family. But it made me realize something. I realized that I have been focusing too much on what we didn't have with Emma - a live birth.

But oh what things we did have with her!!!

I got to carry this sweet child for 8+ months. I got to make memories to last with her while she was inside of me. I got to hold her precious body, bathe her, stroke her fingers and toes, and snuggle with her. I have beautiful pictures with her that I can always look at. I got to feel the presence of a sweet, sweet Spirit in my life. I got to hold and see the body of an angel that was sent to touch our hearts and bless our home and family forever.

I can't help but be so grateful to Heavenly Father for all that He has blessed us with and everything we got to have with Emma.

Maternity Shots

Once again, I am so grateful for our photographer and these amazing pictures she took. I do not enjoy being pregnant, but it has been more than worth it for my children and the same goes for Emma. I'm glad we have these pictures to capture me carrying her.